-Tiffany, here’s how we’re
going to do this. We’re each going to take
a turn telling a story to our audience about one topic. And tonight’s topic is
the holidays. -Okay.
-Okay. So, since you’re my guest,
I’m going to give you the honor of watching me
go first. Take your place over there.
-Hi, guys. I’m gonna let y’all
look at me from the back. -Alright, the holidays. I’m trying to think.
Okay, story about the holidays. I could tell this
one embarrassing story that happened to me. I went home. I grew up in Upstate New York —
Saugerties, New York. So, I was on
“Saturday Night Live” and I’d go visit
my parents all the time. And when I went,
I’d just like to stay home. I didn’t really like —
My mom was always like, “Let’s go out for dinner. Let’s go to a restaurant.
Let’s go out for dinner.” I go, “I don’t want to
go out for dinner, because I came home. I want a home-cooked meal. And I just don’t
want to do anything.” So she goes,
“Let’s just go out.” So, she liked to, like,
show me off because I was on “Saturday Night
Live” or whatever. And I go, “If we do go out,
just don’t make a big deal. I don’t want to draw attention
or do anything special. I just want to go out
and just have a fun thing.” Like, don’t embarrass me. Like, “I’m not going to
embarrass you. What?” I go, “Already, you already have
kind of an attitude.” So, I go, “Alright.”
So, we go out. And we’re out to — We go to
this restaurant and we sit down. And she goes, “I’m not sure if I
really like this table.” I go, “Don’t you start.” And we’re sitting here.
This is where we’re sitting. So, we’re sitting there,
and she goes, “Okay, whatever.” So, she looks at the menu,
and we order. So, it’s me, my dad, and my mom. And the waiter —
The server comes over later and brings my dish, my dad’s
dish, but not my mom’s dish. So she goes, “What’s going on?” And they go, “Sorry. We just — we’re doing
it right now. We’ll bring it
as soon as it’s ready.” And so she’s like, “Oh, my God.
Okay. Oh, my God. Okay, fine.”
And I go, “It’s no big deal. Don’t make a big thing.”
And, you know, whatever. So, finally, she goes —
We’re waiting, actually waiting
a pretty long time. She goes,
“I’m not going to eat.” “Don’t you —
Please don’t do this now.” She goes, “I’m not
going to eat the dinner.” I go, “Just eat it.
It’s going to be fine. Please. Look, here it comes.”
So, it comes out. She goes, “I’m not sure. I don’t think
I’m going to eat it.” I go, “Mom, just please.
Just do it. Just take a bite.” So, anyways, she takes a bite.
So, we’re sitting there. She takes a bite and she goes… I go, “Oh, no, no.
Are you — are you choking?” And, so, she goes…
My dad stands up. My dad puts his finger
in my mom’s mouth. And he’s trying to pull
the lamb out of her mouth. And then a woman from the other end
of the restaurant runs over. She goes, “I’m a nurse”
and starts knocking tables over and then gets to my mom. And she gives my mom
the Heimlich. And her sounds —
My mom never made these sounds. My mom was going like… And then this lamb ball
comes flying out of her mouth. And this woman
saves my mom’s life. And she sits down
and she’s, like, crying. And I looked at her and I go, “Thank you for
not embarrassing me.” [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪ Crazy. -So, my holiday story is
a little different. When I was about 7,
we had a Christmas. Like, we didn’t really
celebrate Christmas. And my stepdad —
I guess he decided that we deserved a Christmas. So, we all went to bed,
and the next day, we wake up. And there’s a tree
in the living room, and there’s toys everywhere. And me and my sister
are like, “Oh, my! Oh, this is so cool!” And we — I got a bike. And so I decided
I would ride my bike. And I rode my bike
all the way to the liquor store, ’cause I wanted
some pickles and Kool-Aid. And, I mean,
you ain’t lived till you got — you got a pickle and then you
dip it in the Kool-aid and then you eat it. Oh, that’s the ghetto delight.
And it’s a delicatessen. So, anyways, we get to
the liquor store, and it’s closed
’cause it’s Christmas Day. And, apparently,
liquor stores aren’t open in the hood on Christmas Day. Why? I don’t know. But we get back on our bikes and then we ride back
to the house. And when we get back
to the house, my mom and my stepdad
are arguing. And my mom was like,
“Why did you buy these toys? We need to pay the rent. How could you buy all the toys
and not pay the rent?” He’s like, “I felt
like the kids deserved toys.” And she’s like, “No, the kids
deserve a roof over their head. That’s what they deserve.” And, so, they
was arguing and stuff. And I was playing with my
Rainbow Brite like, “Whatever.” And…
[ Laughter ] I was happy. But then they really argued,
like, all night long, and it really got on my nerves
and I became unhappy. So — And then a week later,
we got an eviction notice, so boo Christmas. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪ -Come on. Boo Christmas.
That’s how you do it. -Boo Christmas.