(military drums) It’s time. For what? In a few days, the first of many holiday gatherings will commence. Is this supposed to be Gran Gran? Pay attention! The operation begins at 0800 when we… …proceed to my Aunt Lorraine’s for the traditional Thanksgiving breakfast. Well who’s this supposed to be? My cousin Nicole. If she shows up, prepare for chemical warfare. Chemical warfare? She sells essential oils. Oh… I thought you meant she was gonna gas us. No… But my Uncle Cary… …will! At 1100 hours we proceed to our second destination… (both)
My parents’ house. In order for this to work… …we have to eat at my parents’ house first so I can finish my green bean casserole in their oven. But then I always eat too much of your dad’s fried turkey! Well that’s what stretchy pants are for, Kevin. But then I won’t be hungry for seconds when we eat dinner at my parents’ house. And do you wanna upset Gran Gran? Because that’s how you upset Gran Gran! Trust me. I have looked at every possible outcome of this. How many? Fourteen-million six-hundred and five. And how many end up with us spending an equal amount of time with every family member? Just one. Show me. (montage music) (train whistle) (sirens and fire noises) (horns honking) (boat sounds) …and then we go home. Having spent exactly three hours with every single family member. Wow… This just might work! See? I told ya so! (cell phone ringing) Hello? Oh hey mom. Oh really?! She wants to do Thanksgiving in the mountains this year. That’ll be fun! Yeah, we can definitely make that work. This episode of “So True, Y’all” is brought to you by Sevierville, Tennessee. Your Smokies start here.